I glanced over the list of topics that I intend to write about in the upcoming weeks, hoping to find the least controversial, but landed on this one after deciding that everything I wanted to write about was bound to get someone's ire up. Then again, these days, that's not too difficult. We currently live in a victim-mentality-based society, where being offended is not only accepted but encouraged.
However, that's a topic for another day. Literally, I plan to write about that in the future.
Now, back to the topic of counselling.
First of all, this is not to disparage all counselors in every situation. I believe there are times when the right counselor can help someone in the short term. If you're in counseling for years and years and not necessarily making progress, then I have to question whether or not it's working. And that becomes an even longer conversation about whether this is due to the counselor not being very good, or if it's because the counselee isn't doing the work. And it is work. The entire concept is supposed to be about looking inward, which is necessary, not looking for someone to blame for your problems.
Which leads me to the next comment I'd like to make. If you're going to your weekly/monthly/regular session just to rant about how the world keeps pissing you off, counseling isn't for you. Coffee with a friend might be more helpful. The unfortunate truth is that we live in a world where that doesn't seem to be as common. How many people in your life can you have an uninterrupted (without someone's phone beeping, etc.) conversation with someone who is actually and fully listening?
Stop and think about that for a moment. I'll wait.
Most conversations you have, if not interrupted, may even feel like the other person is waiting for you to finish a sentence, so they can jump in and add something about themselves. 🤷🏻♀️ Hey, I know, I've been on both sides of that situation.
But I'm once again getting off topic.
There are also some people who go to a psychiatrist, have a chat, then leave with a prescription in hand. For the record, I've heard a great deal about how SRIs are very difficult to get off of, if one chooses to do so in the future. The even bigger problem is that many people see no harm in staying on them forever, until their meds make them go wonky. However, there have been studies where sometimes these meds make symptoms worse, and it's also reported that they do nothing at all. I’m not sure, I’m not much of a scientist. I do recall a conversation with a young pharmacist years ago, in the timeframe where these drugs became the automatic go-to if you were not necessarily depressed, but not necessarily happy either. He passionately spoke against people taking them, based on studies he had read at that time. And we are talking back in the 90s.
Personally, it's none of my business if someone takes these meds, but I kind of cringe whenever people tell me that they do. But I also hate Big Pharma. That's another conversation for another day.
So, have I ever gone to a counselor? Yes. Have they been helpful? Most have not. I went to one that was somewhat helpful, but when he attempted to tell me that a lot of women's issues stemmed from the patriarchy, I found myself halting and backing up. I questioned this fact, which didn't go well, and that ended the counseling sessions. It also made me step back and wonder if perhaps it was necessarily a good thing to regularly talk to anyone who insists that nothing is my own fault. Whether they blame society, your parents, your ex, your teachers, bosses, or the patriarchy, I'm not sure the blame game is necessarily helpful. Not to suggest everything is your fault either, but there's a point where you probably should consider taking some responsibility for your own life.
I guess my even bigger point is that whether we're talking about counselors, psychologists, doctors of any kind, or any authority figure, for that matter, I think it's always good to step back and look at what they're telling you. In fact, let's widen that net a bit to politicians, the media, and even your own family or friends. I don't care what kind of title someone has; it doesn't mean everything they say is right. If something feels off, question why. When I was told that women act a certain way because of the patriarchy, I had doubts that the specific woman I had issues with acted like a bitch because of the oppression created by men. Sorry. That just didn't pass the sniff test for multiple reasons.
There's a growing belief that counseling sometimes causes more harm than good. The idea is that talking nonstop about yourself actually rehashes your issues and upsets on repeat. That somehow doesn't seem helpful. Actually, I once wrote a blog discussing how I heard (and believed to be true) that depression was often brought on because we think too much about ourselves. The solution for this was to volunteer or actively help others, do something nice for people, or, at the very least, get out of your own way. Someone I know, who's had mental health issues for years, ripped into me about this theory, so I backed off. But I'm not backing off now. I think I was right. There comes a point where brooding over your own life and how it lacks is counterproductive. I'm not a counselor, and I'm not giving medical advice, but I would suggest that doing something to help in your community would benefit us all more than navel-gazing.
In fact, if I were to go back in time to when I was unhappy in my 20s, I would tell myself to get off my ass, go for a walk, drop the birth control pills (which apparently affect women's moods), seriously explore religion, and start eating healthy foods and taking good vitamins. Is that the solution to everything? No, but you'd be surprised how much it does help.
And again, I'm no doctor, and I'm not giving medical advice, but I do have common sense and (as much as I don't want to admit it) decades of life experience. I've read the self-help books, and for the most part, they're all the same. Most don't give you the kick in the ass you need. And frankly, a lot of what makes us unhappy is our disconnection, whether that be with each other or spiritually speaking. I'm not saying religion is the answer to everything, but I believe we need to feel connected to something bigger than ourselves.
There are times when I've either known or suspected that someone was going to a counselor. How? They tended to put up walls.
As an example, in the past, I’ve worked with people who did their job but never extended themselves in situations where teamwork would be appreciated. How do I know they went to a counselor? Because I've had counselors stress that I'm only at work to do my job, and I had to draw boundaries and not worry about other people or give two fucks once I’m off the clock. I wasn't required to answer the phone if they called me at home, for example, or jump in and offer help, even if something wasn’t part of my precise job title. Which, yes, to a degree is correct, you aren't really required, but sometimes it's necessary if you're part of a team. And being part of a team is what creates bonds. And bonds help create friendships, rather than just a group of strangers working together. And friendships fulfill us, even long after you leave that particular job. And that's one of the reasons why you go to counseling, because you feel a disconnect.
I've also heard of situations where counselors suggested that their clients cut ties with family members. I can see that if your relative abused you, but I've heard it suggested for a lot less. That seems extreme. If you cut ties with someone you might just need to fix a relationship with, then you don't have a bond. If you don't have the bond, then you feel a disconnect, and if you feel a disconnect, then you grow depressed. And if you grow depressed, guess where you go? To a counselor.
See where I'm going with this? I won't even get into the pharmaceutical end of things, but I guess that's a given. Big Pharma benefits from your misery. You could be a lifelong customer.
So, do you trust counselors? Do you trust self-help books and gurus? (whatever the fuck that is) If you're going to your third counseling session and feel better, then maybe it's a yes. If you're rolling in on your third or thirtieth year of counseling, I'm sorry, Suzy, but I think you’re getting on the wrong bus.
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