With a heavy heart, I recently deleted my deceased friend's phone number from my iPhone. It was much more difficult than I expected because it felt so final, almost the last step to accepting that she was really gone. There is still a part of me in disbelief that the past few weeks weren't just a horrible dream. And today when I went on Facebook and found out her profile was deleted, it was another reminder that I will never see her wall posts, comments or emails again. I obviously didn't think her profile would stay up forever, but it was hard to see her recent comments made on a photo of us together completely had disappeared. I still have her emails though and that's something I plan to save forever.
This was probably the most difficult year of my life. I won't miss 2012 when it's gone. I guess it's not over yet and there's still a chance that things will improve, but overall I've not been feeling really optimistic lately. I know that there has been a lot of positive things that happened this year too, but it almost feels like they came at a huge cost. It was the end of my writing career, dealing with a lot of personal issues, the loss of friends (not all deaths) and a part of me is kind of scared that I'm about to see another difficult ending lurking around the corner.
One of the things that really grabbed me about the emails my friend who recently died was how she almost seemed to know that her life was about to end. She talked about how she felt this was her life to fix her karma and that maybe that meant that her next life would be much better. She always looked for the meaning in everything and took everything with an opened mind and opened heart - a quality that I always admired most about her - mostly because I struggled with having compassion for people and became defensive instead. It was always about self protection and in the end it created walls that a lot of people found almost impossible to climb. She had the opposite problem which was that she was quick to let people into her heart and in the end, she took a lot of chances. I'm trying really hard to learn from her example, because I know that is what she would want.
I know that grieving will eventually get easier. This wasn't the first person in my life to die, not even the first young person to die long before their time and not the only sudden, tragic death I have seen. But every person brings something different into your life whether it be a challenge or a lesson. But the people that really matter brought unconditional love even when you aren't easy to like, let alone love.
In memory of Nadine Bujold